Category
Television
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Reviews, Television
Human Target Makes My Brain Explode
So I watched the first two episodes of Human Target this week, and I have to say it’s pretty good. The flashbacks in each episode let you know what’s going to happen next, but the how-did-we-get-here keeps you watching. Both episodes had their moments. And both had moments that had my eyes rolling like that guy in Scanners.
(Here be SPOILERS.)
In the first episode, security consultant Christopher Chance is on the inaugural journey of California’s new bullet train, travelling at 200 MPH towards Los Angeles. His client is the beautiful project manager of the train project. At one point, she realizes that someone has triggered all the emergency-stop handles, causing the train’s brakes to engage and overheat. If the brakes are used again they’ll EXPLODE! (Eye roll.)
Not only that, but in just 20 minutes they’ll be entering a tunnel, and inside the tunnel is a curve, and when they hit that curve they’ll fly right off the tracks and THEY’LL ALL DIE!!! (My eye rolling is now audible as far away as France.)
Apparently nobody ever thought of TURNING OFF THE DAMN ENGINE. Just guessing here, but at 200 miles per hour there’s probably some pretty serious wind resistance, and I’m guessing that in 20 minutes you would probably coast to a stop.
The second episode – in which Chance has to protect a hacker on a flight from San Francisco to Seattle, was even more farfetched. At one point the plane is one fire, and Chance is trying to increase airflow through the cargo bay to blow it out. The airstream above them is, according to him, going much faster, so he decides to “flip the plane” (roll inverted). This, instead of, oh, say, CLIMBING A FEW DOZEN FEET. (At this point my eyes rolled fully back in my head, with the whites visible from space.)
Despite these preposterous plot tricks, the show is actually pretty entertaining. It was even better under it’s original title, Burn Notice. Stay with me here: Chance is Michael Weston, his old buddy Winston is Sam Axe, and lunatic information broker Guerrero is lunatic gunrunner Fiona Glenanne (although Fiona is juuuust a bit easier on the eyes – Jackie Earle Haley is one freaky lookin’ dude). They even had Burn Notice’s “Carla” (Tricia Helfer) as the target on the first episode.
The main difference is that while you shouldn’t try the tricks on Burn Notice at home, you shouldn’t try the Human Target tricks on any planet governed by the laws of physics.
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Television
In your satin tights! Fighting for your rights!
So my wife bought the Wonder Woman box set this weekend, and we watched a few episodes. I remembered parts of one of the episodes, which is pretty impressive, since I saw it over thirty years ago when I was eight.
Looking at the show now, it’s both laughable and really cool. The production values are not particularly high – they make Gilligan’s Island look like Lost – but the stories were obviously never meant to be taken seriously, and they’re an awful lot of fun. Shows today are so grim, and WW had an endearing earnestness to it, like a lovable little puppy.
And the song! Best theme this side of Shaft. I never realized what a strong groove it had, with a bass that will rattle your molars. I have spent much of the week singing parts of it to random people until they realize what it is and join in.
My wife says she and her sister used to pretend to be Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl, to which of course I replied, “Say, do you still have the costume? What? No, no reason.”
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Quotes, Television
“If I weren’t a lesbian, I’d jump your bones.”
That line, possibly the finest bit of dialog in television history, was uttered in last night’s episode of Criminal Minds, which I try to catch whenever I remember it’s on (I would TiVo it, but that would consume valuable space better used for recording The Wiggles). If you haven’t seen the show, it’s sort of like CSI but with a team analyzing evidence of the perpetrator’s mental state and motives instead of hair fibers and DNA.
Mandy Patinkin is the star, and I though I didn’t think he could pull it off, I have to say that he does a great job. The other characters are generally well-written and acted, too, and the plots are generally interesting. They play against expectations a lot and usually manage to slip in some sly humor, as well.
The Tea Total. Last weekend The Wife went to a baby shower in Shreveport, leaving me alone with the brood, and I stumbled into an interesting experiment. I finished the last of our iced tea Friday evening and whipped up a fresh pot Saturday morning, allowing me to measure my tea intake over the next two days.
The result: from 6am on Saturday to 6pm Sunday, a period of 36 hours, I managed to drink 3 quarts of tea, as well as two Dr Peppers and a couple of glasses of milk. Truly, I am a well-hydrated individual.
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Pet Peeves, Television
Everything Old
I didn’t see the episode of Grey’s Anatomy that was on after the Super Bowl – the “Code Black” one – but a friend of mine told me about it the next day. Apparently some weekend warriors built a backyard bazooka, and one of the ended up with a live shell in his body. When I heard this, I though, Damn, that was one hell of an episode… when I saw it on M*A*S*H twenty five years ago.
I remember it clearly because Radar brought an X-Ray over to Hawkeye, and Hawk said, “Radar, get that grenade out of his pants!” Radar just sort of looked up at hime and replied, “He’s not wearing any.”
I have heard that executives in Hollywood today don’t care about anything back beyond last weekend’s receipts/ratings, but damn, people, try and get an original idea. Those are the first questions I ask myself when I start on a story: Has it been done before? Why is my version different? If it’s not, I put it aside until I can come up with something new. Apparently Hollywood doesn’t bother.
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